Dear Me, 

I’ve started this then erased it. I’ve written my heart and then decided it was too painful. 

I know, I know, I have to get it out to learn how to let it go. I have to keep reminding myself to stop blaming. I have to remind myself that it’s okay not to hate you. Perhaps the fact that I catch it and remind myself to stop means I’m making progress. 

A reminder, too, was brought to me today. That grief never leaves. It takes different forms, it changes shape, but it’s always there. I have an incredible son who’s good. To everyone. He’s a bit like me in always always standing up, whether it’s to his detriment with others around him he constantly looks for approval, and if he can’t achieve it with those around him at the time, he creates a situation that will guarantee it. 

It’s scary out here. Alone. I have no trouble being alone, even in a crowded room I still can feel alone. It’s what’s in my heart that I feel I’m no use to anyone anymore. My heart cries a lot. And when it gets full it leaks out of my eyes. Funny thing, it’s the only part of me that breaks but still believes. It’s that voice in my head when I’m calling myself stupid that knows I’m not. If I could master my brain and my heart to agree, I’d be unstoppable. But wouldn’t we all?

Tonight, as disappointment again opened my door and made itself at home, I felt sorry for myself, and then for the person who disappointed me. Sorry because they have no idea how good I would be, I’m considerate, I negate my own everything to give them what they need or think they want. 

My head whispers how I’m so stupid for thinking something was where it turned out to be not. My heart answers back that it’s good and maybe? Just maybe? Next time. My head says no way, we blew it because we believed too much or read something into what we needed. My heart says even louder Next Time. We will be fine. My head says no, not true. We are stupid for thinking and for hoping and we should just stop believing and we won’t get hurt. My heart says sure, we love quickly, and sometimes it does hurt, but….it’s not too late. It will come back around. 

I know I’m exhausted and I got my feelings hurt. But that’s no reason….

And the battle rages on. 

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Now

Breathe

Breathe

In

Out

Be Still

Quiet

Please

Look at Me

Breathe 

In

Out

Touch Me

Here

And Hear 

My breathing is shallow

My pulse races

Feel 

Me

Tense

Relax

Breathe

In

Out

Taste Me

Your hands are 

Hot

Everywhere

See

My Reaction

You smile

Slower

Simmering Gaze

Feel

The warmth

Of my Arousal

I Feel

Very Warm

Hands moving as if I were 

An instrument 

To bring a beautiful melody

Accents and Crescendo

Rolling Waves

Look at Me

In your eyes

I see 

Pupils Dilated

I smile

I feel

Your heart beating

Pounding

Just over mine

Deep breath

Align with me

Breathe with Me

Pick me up

Lay me Down

Your gaze locks with mine

Kiss me

Feed me

Slow down

We Breathe 

And

We Are

Letting Go

Of everything from Before

All that matters

Now

You

Me

Open me again

Please

Gently

Take Me

I’m yours

Moving Together

Two become One

Come

Here

Now

Again 

I feel

Urgency

Dependency

For what You Do

To Me

Tangled Limbs

Sweaty

Sticky

Like Cotton Candy

Please

Don’t

Stop

Now