I’ve started this then erased it. I’ve written my heart and then decided it was too painful.
I know, I know, I have to get it out to learn how to let it go. I have to keep reminding myself to stop blaming. I have to remind myself that it’s okay not to hate you. Perhaps the fact that I catch it and remind myself to stop means I’m making progress.
A reminder, too, was brought to me today. That grief never leaves. It takes different forms, it changes shape, but it’s always there. I have an incredible son who’s good. To everyone. He’s a bit like me in always always standing up, whether it’s to his detriment with others around him he constantly looks for approval, and if he can’t achieve it with those around him at the time, he creates a situation that will guarantee it.
It’s scary out here. Alone. I have no trouble being alone, even in a crowded room I still can feel alone. It’s what’s in my heart that I feel I’m no use to anyone anymore. My heart cries a lot. And when it gets full it leaks out of my eyes. Funny thing, it’s the only part of me that breaks but still believes. It’s that voice in my head when I’m calling myself stupid that knows I’m not. If I could master my brain and my heart to agree, I’d be unstoppable. But wouldn’t we all?
Tonight, as disappointment again opened my door and made itself at home, I felt sorry for myself, and then for the person who disappointed me. Sorry because they have no idea how good I would be, I’m considerate, I negate my own everything to give them what they need or think they want.
My head whispers how I’m so stupid for thinking something was where it turned out to be not. My heart answers back that it’s good and maybe? Just maybe? Next time. My head says no way, we blew it because we believed too much or read something into what we needed. My heart says even louder Next Time. We will be fine. My head says no, not true. We are stupid for thinking and for hoping and we should just stop believing and we won’t get hurt. My heart says sure, we love quickly, and sometimes it does hurt, but….it’s not too late. It will come back around.
I know I’m exhausted and I got my feelings hurt. But that’s no reason….
And the battle rages on.