And Then It Was

I had given up. Wrote it off to “that was that”, and said goodbye. 

One night a stranger struck up a conversation. Soon we were laughing like old friends. It felt like we were old friends. Comfortable, like a sweatshirt you never leave the house in. Feeling warm fuzziness wasn’t something I had anticipated.  Comfortable began to feel prickly, because of that place in my heart that looked longingly out the bars. It said, “Hello, friend!” And carried with it that hopeful and eager expression you find on Golden Retrievers. Could I? Nah, man! Maybe. Looked up every hoakey – schmokey “is this THE one?” test – only to la-la-la through each question, knew what the answer already was…daydreamed, scared myself. And with a resignation, let you go. Got really sad. Started crying at night again, then during the day…you know, commercials, that couple walking on the beach, “My beach!” I would wail at the TV. Stopped resting at night. One night, one day, the next night, fall exhausted into bed – to stare at the ceiling. My brain “Pssst!” My heart “what“. Oh uh huh, yeah, we know. Night after night, tossing about like a ship at sea. During the day, ignoring those familiar tug and pull tricks – a song or an artist we discussed – singing along, then suddenly – “no“, enough of that, moving along, laughing at something stupid and wondering if you would think it was stupid too. Again, night after night, it played in my head, “Call him. (No) come on, send a text and just say hi! (No). Well, don’t think he isn’t thinking of you too! (No he is not!) wouldn’t it be nice to lay your head over (SHUT UP)……

The night I sent the text, I tried to sound meek, small, apologetic when, I wrote “hey” “just checking in to see how you are” – then the machine in charge of my fingers ran amok- “wondering if you found that special someone, or, maybe not, and if I could come back, but if you moved on I totally understand. Just wanted to say HEY so HEY!” Before it was poofread and scrutinized, I hit send. And held my breath. I actually cried out when this appeared: Hey baby, no, not moving on, I’d wait for you forever. The clouds parted, the angels broke into a Aaaaah! chorus, the sun shone, oh, who am I kidding, it was midnight on a clear summer night. Then before I was aware, I felt something on my face, I reached a hand up to brush it off, “oh my God” – I was crying. Then the phone rang. “Hiiii” I answered out of breath, “I told you, I’m not going anywhere, this is forever baby!” Ohmygodohmygod…..getting ready to hang up the phone, I felt that bubble hanging there, and then we hung up. Immediately, a text pinged. Opening this brought a gasp: “Wow, I almost said I love you, bout blew that, huh? Awkward.” My response: “I gasped because I almost said it too!”      Call: Oh my God, really? I felt this way for such a long time!! 

Since then, not more than 3 hours has elapsed between conversations. Some serious, some make me laugh and some of them caused me to double swallow, and choke. THAT serious. 

Right now I’m listening to you sleep. I love every sigh I hear, I love when you shift and reach for me. I love everything about you and I’m anxious to learn everything that I will, too, love. I love how you love me and want to protect me. I even loved how when you put your arm around me this evening while I laid on you watching TV, when you touched a sensitive spot, and I said jokingly”Don’t play with my fat roll” you defiantly said, “It’s mine!” Yeah, I love that too. 

I love you; I will love you until the day I die. I hope we can die together, you holding 

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