He loves me. I know. I convinced myself my past demons were in the rear view mirror.
A weatherman for words, he (whose name makes me ill) physically and worse hurt me so badly. A year went by, I became not his target anymore.
My life has drastically changed. I see it, feel it, and came out of the dark to embrace sunny skies again. Learned to breathe. Got comfortable in my own skin and trusted my heart. All wonderful things. I catch myself smiling. I’ve never done that.
Tonight, as I felt myself sliding into glorious sleep, so content to relax in his arms, nightmares came. I remember being mocked, felt every blow, I woke up weeping, my back hurt, my face hurt, my arm was burning. I found out why my arm hurt, I had been digging my nails into it.
It took me an hour to stop shaking. What the hell? Please leave, let me be. I forgave you and took away your hold on me, and boldly started on a future with someone who tells me all the time how he loves me, why he loves me, and showed me what was written in the stars.
I’m a different person now. Why is this cropping up again? Is there something I still need to learn? I’m sitting here, in that comfortable dark, sweeping the cobwebs out, NO, you have no power here. Go away.
I’m walking back to that sweet surrender, my haven, my love. It was just a bad dream, it didn’t mean anything. I’m living for today. Yesterday is dead and gone. I can see tomorrow, the future. Sunshine. Sun. Because I shine. It’s alright.
Raindrops echo as they fall gracefully into the puddles, Splashes off stones, dripping down tender irises. Peaceful. Musical.
Hypnotizing and soothing
2 August 2015