Good advice 

Let it ride

Let it roll

Let it go

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Mama

I wish I had told her I’m sorry. I wish the last time we spoke wasn’t in anger. Try as I might, I cannot break free. I wish we could have shared instead of giving her all the blame. I wish she could see me stand up for myself, and see a part of her in me. I see her in Amy, the ability to say whatever she’s feeling. I see her in Phyllis, that need to do and do for someone until they’re exhausted. To make sure everyone has what they need before you think of yourself. 

I see her also in Mike, the courage to always stand together with conviction, even if later they turn out to be wrong. 

Mostly Amy, the “take no prisoners approach”, that tough outer shell, the fighter.

Scrappy was the word my friend described me as. Brutally honest, he said. If he knew if he knew the drama unfolding in my head, where I can’t tell someone really how I feel. Sure, I will, but if I even get an inkling that that’s not what they want to hear, I will apologize before the person can even process what I’ve said. I didn’t use to be like this. I’ve lost me along the way. I see myself in T’s warmth and understanding, and the fact we’ve been friends most of our lives and she knows me like she knows the back of her hand. I see me in C, always doing what is right instead of what we really want, because, what would family member/neighbors/co workers think? 

Funny, I think it’s when I’m whiny and bitchy over my health is when I’m most like her. When I get compared negatively to her I come out with claws and teeth..nothing will piss me off faster! If someone calls me crazy, yeah, I lose it. I see her in me when I sit back and just keep taking shit from people and not saying a word. Why? Because I know the moment we leave, it shall be heaped upon my sister’s or brother’s head. Whoever I’m with, whoever I can call. 

I died a little each time when he wouldn’t or couldn’t even try to see my point. Frustration build and builds. I can keep silent, I can scream and cry until I’m hoarse, it’s all the same. I feel beaten down. 29 years of this continuing behavior. 

Trying to get someone to see your point of view when they’d rather you shut up and stop blocking the game (TV, really) is a whole ‘nother level of frustration. 

I had a thought late late last night, that it really does take a lot of courage to walk away from something that will never change. 

I deserve someone that will think of me, consider my feelings – always. I won’t settle for less. 

*I don’t care what the neighbors say, I’m gonna love you each and every day! (Page/Plant)

See mom, I SO DO think of my neighbors. But I think of myself more. I don’t care if they can hear me, my need to express how I felt in that moment was greater than all my neighbors consideration combined. 

This is my second act. If I’m selfish then so be it. I gave up who I was for 29 plus years. I’m going to find her. That person I can be. She’s in there, and this will be her time. 

This is What I wanted 

You to stay I didn’t want you to leave. As I knew you didn’t want to leave either. 

But I didn’t know I could voice that or even where or how to begin, until I saw it in your eyes and knew words weren’t going to tell the whole story. You reached for my hand and as I tumbled into you you tangled with me. 

I felt this radiance heat before skin made contact. Heard it in sighs softer than the loveliest of lullabies and felt each deep breath to my toes. 

If I had known what I wanted could I ask? I lost my voice yet you heard. You saw it; I know you saw it. It may have been seconds but in our eyes we saw and we lived centuries. 

Help me to say when words won’t do, help me to tell my heart what yours is saying, help my hands to undo all the damage they have done. 

We’ve danced here so many times before although each day is new the ending is always the same. You’ve seen me more with wet hair and no makeup than made up and dressed up. 

In you I see me before greed and pride turned me inside out and you see me as melting but that’s only because you gave me warmth. I was frozen before. We bring depth, strength, safety and trust. 

Heaven help us to suffer all the evil that’s been done before but don’t dare deny us what we need to live. 

There’s not even a word for this but we don’t need one. 

Wings 

He used me. I used him. We knew, and accepted this. Once the awkwardness disappeared and we grew comfortable, just past the mystery, I left. I didn’t have a choice. He taught me worth. I taught him to slow down. 

I wonder if I broke him. I wonder if he thought of me and what he was thinking. If he ever cared. If he still cares. And if I ever see him again will it pick back up or if it’s gone. Will that be okay? Am I that trepidation just before you take that deep breath and just go for it. Are there days he thinks of, a particular occasion and wonders why he let me get away. Does it hurt? 

Just to fill a void or kill time. An instrument to scratch an itch. Well it’s Tuesday, why not? Why at all. Why we do the things we to to ourselves. Do we only accept the love we think we deserve? I know what I want and what I need and I’m not afraid to ask. Not anymore. 

If you’re reading this, know I stopped being a victim. Martyr. I have no expectations of people anymore but I know when it’s not good, or right, and what my value is. Helluva lot higher now. Thank you for teaching me to fly. Thank you for patching up my broken wing. 

Sleep

I’m so tired bone weary tired the club chair is big enough if I sit on your lap, head on your shoulder. “Please. Come here”. Off go shoes . Sweatshirt. :Hour. Aware of light changing in the room  You hold me closer. I ask if you’re cramped. No. I ask if you wanna go to bed. No. Right here is where I want to be. Me too.