My Promise 

I’m the only one I owe anything to. I’m the only one who has a say in my happiness. No longer will I allow myself to be emotionally manipulated, hijacked or led astray, this is my promise to me. 

Advertisements

My Heart 

Is a lot stronger than I give it credit for, no matter how many times it gets stepped on, broken, or bruised, it still works. 

Can love unconditionally. Children. Pets. Things. But adults who have hurt me, I can only take so much. This heart, my heart, has the ability to shut off when it gets near those people. It says I have no time or inclination to feel anything around you. 

Has learned a lot in the past few years. It’s kept me safe. Now that we have learned our limits, we will be fine. 

I have to take good care of it. It’s the only one I have. 

Summer of 83

We always had a nice home; all my friends said it was. Set in rural Elm Springs, our community was small and everyone knew everyone. Originally 3 bedrooms were in our house, when my brother moved out my dad removed the wall from what was my bedroom and opened it into the living room. We had a nice galley kitchen with the stovetop on top of a set of cabinets and a nice wall oven. Beside the stove top was a small pie shaped table that ended in the wall. This was where I ate breakfast in the morning. There were 2 chairs, so often dad joined me. We had a large den that used to be a carport. You went down two wide steps and the front was a large bay window with a 3 tiered table where a lot of plants grew happily. Off the den was another bathroom and the laundry room. 

In front of that bay window was a driveway. On the other side of our huge front yard and to the left of the house and semi behind it was a large shop that held tools, a huge deep freezer, garden tools, and dad’s bass boat. And, still big enough to fit a car into it. Because it was cut off from the rest of the house, there was also a wood stove. 

My parents had gone out for the evening and had given me permission to have my best friend Jamie over. Jamie and I were in my bedroom talking, with Jamie sitting on the foot of the bed. Beside her on the right and behind her I had 2 windows. The window to the right was overlooking the driveway to the shop. The other window faced our fenced backyard where our two dogs were. It was dark outside, but I had a lamp on, and it was late spring, so the windows and curtains were open. 

I have no memory of what we were talking about but I know I was standing between the doorway and my dresser. I was facing the window that was to the right side of Jamie, when all of a sudden my dogs started throwing a fit. Then, we saw a tall, shaggy blonde man walk by my window. We both freaked. We ran into the hallway to confirm what the other saw. We went into the living room and looked out the window. There were no lights on so we couldn’t have been seen. Yup, sure enough, the man was walking down the driveway! My dogs were still barking and I was scared. Jamie was crying which only fueled my fears. We called Jamie’s dad from our kitchen phone. I scribbled out a note saying I was at Jamie’s. Jamie’s dad got there quickly. We got in the truck, scanning the neighborhood but didn’t see the man. About 20 or 30 minutes later mom and dad come to Jamie’s demanding answers, and when we told what scared us, my parents doubted us. 

The following Monday morning,  two of the kids in our neighborhood met us at the bus stop and began telling us about coming home with their parents Saturday night, opening the garage door to find a shaggy blonde man in their garage. I got cold chills again. That afternoon when I got home from school, word had gotten around the neighborhood of the man being in the Gilbert’s garage. Mom and Dad believed me finally. 

Me And Not Me

I have to be honest. If in any kind of relationship you can’t be honest, why bother? If something hurts my feelings and I don’t think you did it on purpose, I’ll tell you. If something is uncomfortable, I’ll speak up. 

That being said, there are a lot of instances when I don’t say what I’m thinking because I can’t stand to hurt someone. If commenting is detrimental, I won’t. 

It’s not in my nature to be rude or spiteful or mean. I can and most  likely will strike up a conversation with anyone I cross paths with. Maybe that’s the Southern in me. 

I play several on line games, Words with Friends and Quiz Up being most prominent, both of which have chat features. I’ve met some life long friends this way, a few creepers, and it’s even sparked a romance or two. My family think it’s nuts I’ve met men this way, but for someone who doesn’t work and doesn’t have a lot of socializing, I say it’s just normal. The New Normal. I have a handful of female friends, who, like me, are weary of female friendships because women attack each other over the dumbest things. I don’t have time or energy for that. 

I like my solitude. I like doing my own thang, I don’t want to be accountable to anyone. That doesn’t mean I don’t want someone to share affection with or snuggle with. You show me tenderness and you’ll get just as much back. But then one of us has to go home. 

It took me a long time to give myself permission to be me. I’m still trying to figure “me” out, but this is what I know for sure so far.  

Goodnight Nobody 

I threw myself out of the inner circle. Traded it for quiet. I can read when I want, sleep when I want, take up the whole bed if that’s my desire. I can stand at the kitchen counter and eat also. Who would tell me no? 

Living alone has it’s perks as I’ve stated. Those are just a few. But, just on the flip side, it can get lonely. No one to snuggle to watch TV with, no one to keep bad dreams away and when I wake up cold, I’m just cold. 

Shopping alone, running errands, sitting on the front porch. I hear families laughing, playing, eating together. I see the couple in the neighborhood, holding hands for their afternoon stroll. 

Wistful, longing and sometimes it hurts to hope that someday I’ll be part of a unit again. But maybe I won’t. Only time can tell. Until then, where’s my book? Blanket? Hmm, maybe I’ll nap first. 

So Far….

I’ve learned I’m NOT stupid. And while I certainly be a bitch, I only bring those guns out if you’ve done something to warrant it. 

I’m not crazy. A friend recently told me if I was crazy I wouldn’t know it, and the fact I was willing to say I am crazy underscores how not crazy I am. 

I’m not pathetic. I have weaknesses like everyone else, but things do not hurt me like they once did. That doesn’t mean what someone says doesn’t hurt, I just have presence of mind not to let it show. 

When I get lonely or feel all alone I usually can turn to a book or music to feel better, but not always. Sometimes I have to acknowledge the pain and just ride it out. But I can pretty much cope with what life throws at me.

I’ve learned I can be tough and I don’t have to take anything that I feel threatened by or anything that will hurt me.

Most of all I’ve learned love and affection comes in many forms and to take whatever is offered. 

I am gonna make it after all!

Well This is New But It’s All Good

In the past couple of years, I’ve made major life changes. I have felt things I haven’t felt in a long time. Some, I’ve never felt before. This new life I have, I have learned things about myself that’s surprised me. I’m pretty resilient, I don’t break that easily anymore. I can and will only depend on me. I don’t have to do anything “right now”. I don’t have to keep people who make me feel bad about myself. I can sleep all day if I want to. I have a chronic illness that’s taken over my life and I’ve learned to live with it. I don’t worry what people think of me anymore.  I don’t worry about things I can’t control. That surprised me most of all. 

Things I’ve sworn I’d never do, I’ve done. But now that I have, and had the time alone to think about it, I don’t see it as bad. I don’t believe it’s bad. We are all just animals, trying to find our place in the sun, not belonging necessarily to any one person. We are driven by unseen forces. Things happen the way they’re supposed to. It’s all part of a bigger picture. Were just pieces of that big jigsaw puzzle. 

A really nice guy told me recently we were put on this planet to help each other out, whether it be a hand to hold,  shoulder to cry on, or just a body to help scratch that itch we all have. It’s all temporary, even us. We are only here once. 

So laugh if it’s funny. Cry if it’s sad. Enjoy one another’s company. Take it for what it’s worth. Dance if you want to. Or don’t. Eat the extra cookie. Or two. Drink your drink and smoke your smoke. 

It’s all good. 

🎶 For my soul sister, partner in crime, songbird, evil twin, JRay. I couldn’t live without you. 🎶