I thought missed
- Your smile
- Your touch
- Your kiss
- Your eyes
- Your gentle tenderness
But what I really miss is how you made me feel, like no one could hold a candle. That there was no one that could be as grateful for me the way you showed me. The way you loved me helped put me back together. I miss that.
I don’t miss the way you broke my heart. I don’t miss the way you said goodbye to me and left me crumpled in the floor. I am not going to miss tears I shed.
I’m not going to miss the gut wrenching sadness with every sad song that makes me feel. No, I kept asking myself what was it going to take for me to heal. You’re always in my head, as real as if you were in front of me, beside me, in my peripheral vision. It’s not you that I can’t get over. I’m heartbroken thinking that no one will ever make me feel the way you did.
The idea of you. That idea that I will ever find that adoration, that affection.
What I thought was I was missing, missing what might have been. What frightens me the most is your lies that lead us to the implosion and that I never even had an inkling of. If you lied about a whole other relationship, how do I know everything else wasn’t a lie?
What if I am really that dispicable that my ex husband said I was? Worthless and not worthy of anyone’s love? See, I thought that everything I fought so hard for, respect, affection, joy was really deserving to me. I’m scared you lied about that, too.
I miss that – all of it. I’m scared you were as close as I’m ever going to get. What might have been between us I’m frantic I won’t find it again.
I miss the thought of you. I thought you put me on that pedestal because it was my time to shine. Life has a funny way of repaying me back for all the faith I ever had.
I think you know how utterly devastated you left me. I hope you know every loving word, gesture, and even action I bestowed upon you are as unique as I am. I hope you miss my kindness, thoughtfulness and love. All the good I miss about you that you brought to me, I know how to deliver to someone else.
I’m down right now, but I will get back up. I know that’s what you want. I know you didn’t hurt me on purpose. I know when I came into your life you didn’t know it would turn into what it did.
But hurt me, you did. Hurt her, you did. I wish you well but I also wish upon you pain and regret, as to you’d curl up in a ball and wail and cry until absolutely spent. And repeat.