Shhh

Word of  14, 15 and 16th of July is shhh… You told me the very first time. Someone was knocking on the door. You said it so many times that I started to giggle, and then you did. Busted. Like they didn’t know. They knew. 

Later sitting in front of the fire you made me laugh. I laughed a little too loud, I guess, because you said it again, so I mocked you. You shut me up by kissing me. You laughed at something I said so I took your face in my hands and said “Shhh”. We both cracked up. It appears saying shhh means kiss me. No complaints. 

Back home, and quite drunk at this point we fell in the door, tumbling and laughing. You looked at me with all seriousness and said, “Shhh.” And we were both laughing. Right before you kissed me you said it again so I repeated it until it was lost between your mouth and mine. 

Trying to go to sleep with you in the bed was like sleeping with a sugared up toddler. You kept tickling me and when I laughed, you shushed me some more. Eventually I heard you breathing and I shifted to get comfortable. Out shot your arm and you tucked me into you. It was nice, not sleeping alone, having someone to curl up next to. 

I’ve never gone skinny dipping before and you knew. I was nervous taking off my clothes so you helped. You goosed me which made me roar with laughter. Here comes the shushing again. Walking into the pool I asked if we were being watched. You laughed and said, “probably”. I must’ve had an alarmed look on my face because the next thing you said was, “Shhh”. A lot of back and forth followed and you kissed me so ferociously I got dizzy, or maybe that was the alcohol. Or both. 

You were hungry so we went to Taco Bell, sitting in line we made out like teenagers. I got us both home which was no small feat. You were dancing  to “Black Dog” while I tried to get you to eat. You were laughing and enjoying yourself. So very seriously I got up, looked at you and said, “shhh,” which made me laugh! 

Later as we lay there you started running your finger down my back which was a very romantic gesture. And so I told you, so in return, you started tickling me and then were shushing me again but you were laughing just as loud. We talked about my immediate plans and how to tweak that so you’d fit in. I got pretty excited about that. I thought you had changed your mind about wanting a relationship. I was still mulling that over as I went to sleep. 

The next morning I woke up early. I got dressed and came home to feed the cat. When I came back I found you sprawled corner to corner so I sat on the couch and read. Next thing I know I hear you say honey. We laid down on the couch and talked. After another round we fell asleep. 

Lost People 

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you could taste it? Yeah… Yanked away at the blink of an eye and I don’t know if I can or even if I will get it back. How’s that for positive thinking? 

The old addage “everything happens for a reason” applies. As does “you don’t know what you’ve got til it’s gone”. I have hope that the latter of the two will make him realize how lucky he is. Or was. 

I hope he can’t stop thinking of me, and so often, that he surrenders to what I know how he feels. I get it, it scared him because it happened so fast. It was scary for me, too, but I just rolled with the flow. It was fun, exciting even. 

I’m a good person with a huge heart and when he said my ex didn’t really know me, or that he knew I would do anything for love I thought that meant… Anyway he said idiots that dumped me just didn’t get to know me and I thought…

A cool girl, a good lay, a fun person to hang with. And then, *poof, gone. Did I misread something? I usually don’t, that’s the deal. Each hour that passed convinced me I wasn’t wrong. And then, *poof, gone. 

I don’t know what he’s thinking. I wonder if someone said something bad about me or because it happened so fast…. Or he’s scared I couldn’t or wouldn’t commit because of G, or even J. He’s wrong. I didn’t get a chance to tell him that, I was too busy reaffirming that  oh, yeah, I didn’t think it was a great romance and that I knew it wasn’t ever going to be serious, we were “just having fun.”

I know my loneliness plays a huge part, and my ego, low self esteem led me down that path. Two lonely people coming together, it felt right, then, *poof. Gone. 

Maybe it’s his job. Maybe he fell while telling me not to fall. And it scared him. I’m scared too, but I would’ve done anything to make it work. Being single sucks because I have so much to give and no one to share it with. 

I hope I don’t sound desperate, I’m not, I thought we could build on what we started. He would bring up future events and say, “I’ll take you with me”… But, I got caught up in the moment and here I am, replaying everything. And overthinking. 

It makes me want to scream and cry until I’m hoarse. It’s true that being in your own headspace just makes things worse. I can’t help to feel sad and slightly used. No matter how many ways I try to reframe and refocus, I still feel hurt. 

I had hoped getting this out of my head would help. I sit here with tears blurring my vision, with a cloudy perspective. Yeah, upfront he told me he was in relationship recovery. Nothing serious, he said. How do you spend 2 nights and half a day with someone and not feel it? 

He asked me to stay Thursday night, and again Friday night. Saturday he asked me to spend the day with him. Lonely? Yeah. Did or does he like me? Positive. 

I can’t make him come around. If and when he does I want it to be his choice and not something I said or did. That’s why I feel adrift, lost, and sorry for myself. 

Wow Again

I couldn’t write this, in other words I couldn’t make this up!! 

It’s funny how life can change in the blink of an eye. You think you’re headed down one path but there’s an obstacle. You can see the other path but not sure how to get there. Until — right at the lowest point, up there, a flashing neon sign. 

I try to roll with the changes, just flow along. What happens, happens. I know I’m in charge. I am. No one else. I don’t have to be such a pacifist. I have set goals and have allowed myself this weekend to enjoy this weekend. 

It started Wednesday night. I know, weird, right?? Yeah well. Thursday, Thursday night, and last night. I’ve enjoyed myself. It’s about living. Staying cooped up is not living. It’s hiding. 

First I was hiding from my ex and his crazy wife. Then I was hiding from Jim, even though he knows exactly where I am. Then I thought I was being noble waiting on Ben. God, what a nightmare. At least I learned not to be so trusting. 

Then I was with David thinking we had something. Maybe we did. Maybe we were getting there. I’m glad it happened the way it did. It was necessary to open that window when that door slammed shut. 

With G, I’m still confused. What was that? A love triangle? Why did he bring her to my house?? What was it going to accomplish? Fuck that. That was harassment, plain and simple. 

I met an old friend from school. We’ve been having a lot of fun. I needed this, think he does too!! It just floored me how it all came to be. 

And, oh, wow!! Again!! 

So…. 

Great weekend, (Thursday, Thursday night, Friday, Friday night and today til 2) it was good to truly let my hair down. Did something last night I’ve never done before and didn’t really care who saw me… Well, I was sorta concerned, cause I’m pretty sure we were being watched. Oh well. If someone saw us on the steps Thursday then maybe we were watched in the pool last night. Yeah well. I chuckle, and then feel good knowing I got out of my comfort zone. 

Speaking of, yeah I have stuff to do today, working on them right now. It sure felt good to just be there though. God I miss that, being held as I sleep. Need a teddy bear or a ride home? I’m your girl. 

Comfort zones. Doing something new. It doesn’t matter that we were classmates 32 years ago. We were kids, me, more so. We know a lot of the same people and it was fun going down memory lane. But us, we are starting over, new chapters. It’s all new but we got this. And who knows where we will go from here? My world has been rocked since Thursday and that’s exactly what I needed. 

I’m a little lump of coal. Come Tuedsay, my 48th birthday, is my opportunity to start working on being the diamond I was always meant to be. It’s my turn, my time to shine. I owe it to myself. It’s time to LIVE.