Mom

Dear mom, 

     It’s been almost three years. I finally stopped reaching for the phone to call you. I know you were with me through 2014 and last year when Shannon and I imploded. The divorce was rough. 

     I really wish you’d have told me to divorce him the first time he hit me instead of blaming me. He heard you tell me if I wouldn’t piss him off he wouldn’t have hit me. I’ll remember that whole day the rest of my life. He bought a $30 book when Jeremy needed formula and diapers and we argued all the way home. At the stoplight at Oak Grove and Elm Springs road he head butted me instantly giving me a black eye and a bruised cheekbone. Later you took me to the store to buy diapers and formula. All that did was give him permission to hit me more. I blame myself for getting involved with him. I blame you for telling me I had to think about Jeremy. He became my whole world. Still is. 

     The minute Chucky met Shannon, he told me Shannon wouldn’t ever love me, just right now he had a hot car and a hot girlfriend. He loved showing me off too. But Chuckles, one of the best surrogate big brothers I ever had was right. Mike asked me a few months back why I didn’t let him kick his ass the first time I brought him home. 

     You know we lost Chuckles a few months ago. I saw him for the last time in 2015. He wouldn’t let me come back, wouldn’t let Daddy see him. After 2011, losing Darrell like I did, then we lost Rick, when Barney got his diagnosis I prayed to God to stop taking my friends. He heard me because today Barney is better than ever. 

     I’m going to go see J and his wife maybe next month. I wanna see their new house and I wanna see them. You’d love Kathy. She’s the best daughter in law ever. No doubt Lue and Henry still think that of me. They can’t stand Shannon’s new wife, but that’s a whole other story. I’ve forgiven them both and am at peace now. 

     There are days, however, I need my mom. I need to have you wrap your arms around me and call me your baby girl. I miss you. I don’t miss our arguments. I only wanted you to respect me. That wasn’t too much to ask. Why was I always your go to when you felt the urge to be hateful? I understand that now because I live it. I get angry because of what this disease has robbed me of, so I understand your frustration. I don’t take it out on anyone. I know all too well from you and Shannon both what it feels like to be an emotional and physical punching bag. 

     I wish you were here to see how well I have coped and how happy I am now. I’d still demand the respect. I deserve respect and love. I know that now. I got some self esteem back. I no longer look down all the time. I can actually look at people and smile now. 

     Most of all, I love you mommy. 

My heart is broken 

Had an argument with my daughter in law and then my son this morning. My son is the other half of my heart. 

I assumed they wanted to help me straighten out this mess and help me get rid of the blazer and help me find something else. All if a sudden my daughter in law says she’s bowing out because it’s too personal.  

 It broke my heart. I’ll heal. I know. It’s been broken a lot and I’ve survived. 

UPDATE we made up. Jeremy told me I blew things out of proportion when I told Kathy I was sorry for bugging her. But that’s me and Jeremy. They want me to be able to physically in the same room to talk about finding me a different car and how to make this settlement and my monthly SSI check last me for the rest of my days. Yeah I know I worked in finance for 15+ years but I don’t trust myself when it comes to my own money. 

My Love 

My Everything (was it?)

It was supposed to be a “lets get together”. He said specifically  “I don’t want you to fall in love with me.” Then we got specifics as when (when I can slip away from work, when’s good for you?) then where (here, my place (already feeling slutty, but that’s what it was about, right?) no strings and don’t fall in love wth me, etc. 

So we had a date nailed down, he was going to leave work early, be at my place 10:30 or 11. Nervous, excited, every nerve in my body was humming. “Relax, I told myself, “he’s JUST a man! ” but something about him. We hit it off. Sparks flew. I couldn’t place what it was. It was something, it was electric. He felt it. I suggested to get the awkward out of the way, to come in, kiss me like we “always have”. (Never have we before) 

And OH-  oh my stars, and I did see stars. When he wrapped his arms around me and kissed me, I wrapped me around him and wanted to climb inside . Have I ever been kissed like that! No. And I wanted more. My tongue wrapped around his, I relaxed in his arms and let him take me away. I managed to say, “Hi”, he smiled and said. “Hi”. 

Thus began a romance. He curled my toes, and I was smitten. But he told me not to, his body language was saying he had been hit by a bolt of lightning himself. My legs were jelly but I could not get enough. I couldn’t get enough of his arms around me, his mouth on mine, I couldn’t get close enough. 

I swear I could hear “I put a spell on you, because you’re mine.” 

More later….. 

What I Want 

I don’t need lies

Empty promises

I hate to hear soon. I hear soon and my brain hears … Blah Blah..blech.

  1. I want the love and devotion I deserve. Mostly. 
  2. If you knew everything about me you’d say I didn’t deserve anything. 
  3. If you knew all the good stuff you’d give me what I wanted. 
  4. If you knew all the bad stuff you’d have me institutionalized. 

But of you know me all of me you’ll see I’m human.
JUST LIKE YOU
And just like you I want to be loved unconditionally no matter how I’m dressed, if I have on makeup, if I cooked, if…..blah blah blah.

Ya know? I want what you want. Just now. 

    Wouldn’t change a THING

    There were so many trials. So many times I wanted to give up. I believed that what we had was the best and (I know it takes two, but in my mind I FAILED) 

    So many issues we had, arguing over whether or not “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof” was a good movie. The color of Gray’s car, to me being stupid or/and gullible enough to think that there was a package for a Camaro that was SS. 

    Big things, too. Money. His family 

    What I Thought

    I thought missed 

    • Your smile
    • Your touch
    • Your kiss
    • Your eyes
    • Your gentle tenderness

    But what I really miss is how you made me feel, like no one could hold a candle. That there was no one that could be as grateful for me the way you showed me. The way you loved me helped put me back together. I miss that. 

    I don’t miss the way you broke my heart. I don’t miss the way you said goodbye to me and left me crumpled in the floor. I am not going to miss tears I shed. 

    I’m not going to miss the gut wrenching sadness with every sad song that makes me feel. No, I kept asking myself what was it going to take for me to heal. You’re always in my head, as real as if you were in front of me, beside me, in my peripheral vision. It’s not you that I can’t get over. I’m heartbroken thinking that no one will ever make me feel the way you did. 

    The idea of you. That idea that I will ever find that adoration, that affection. 

    What I thought was I was missing, missing what might have been. What frightens me the most is your lies that lead us to the implosion and that I never even had an inkling of. If you lied about a whole other relationship, how do I know everything else wasn’t a lie? 

    What if I am really that dispicable that my ex husband said I was? Worthless and not worthy of anyone’s love? See, I thought that everything I fought so hard for, respect, affection, joy was really deserving to me. I’m scared you lied about that, too. 

    I miss that –  all of it. I’m scared you were as close as I’m ever going to get. What might have been between us I’m frantic I won’t find it again. 

    I miss the thought of you. I thought you put me on that pedestal because it was my time to shine. Life has a funny way of repaying me back for all the faith I ever had. 

    I think you know how utterly devastated you left me. I hope you know every loving word, gesture, and even action I bestowed upon you are as unique as I am. I hope you miss my kindness, thoughtfulness and love. All the good I miss about you that you brought to me, I know how to deliver to someone else. 

    I’m down right now, but I will get back up. I know that’s what you want. I know you didn’t hurt me on purpose. I know when I came into your life you didn’t know it would turn into what it did. 

    But hurt me, you did. Hurt her, you did. I wish you well but I also wish upon you pain and regret, as to you’d curl up in a ball and wail and cry until absolutely spent. And repeat. 
    Dmh 

    Can’t Think of a Title

    You can always see your nose; it’s just that your brain refuses to acknowledge it.  Why then, does my brain keep mulling over and over painful aspects of my life? When I would rather forget about it and get some sleep? I can doze in front of the television or get drowsy trying to read a book. The minute I turn off the TV, kindle, or lamp to snuggle down to sleep my brain churns conversations over and over or a snippet of a song. 

    I don’t know if everyone does this but this has got to be the most maddening trait I have. How do I stop? Where’s my “off” switch?