It’s been almost three years. I finally stopped reaching for the phone to call you. I know you were with me through 2014 and last year when Shannon and I imploded. The divorce was rough.
I really wish you’d have told me to divorce him the first time he hit me instead of blaming me. He heard you tell me if I wouldn’t piss him off he wouldn’t have hit me. I’ll remember that whole day the rest of my life. He bought a $30 book when Jeremy needed formula and diapers and we argued all the way home. At the stoplight at Oak Grove and Elm Springs road he head butted me instantly giving me a black eye and a bruised cheekbone. Later you took me to the store to buy diapers and formula. All that did was give him permission to hit me more. I blame myself for getting involved with him. I blame you for telling me I had to think about Jeremy. He became my whole world. Still is.
The minute Chucky met Shannon, he told me Shannon wouldn’t ever love me, just right now he had a hot car and a hot girlfriend. He loved showing me off too. But Chuckles, one of the best surrogate big brothers I ever had was right. Mike asked me a few months back why I didn’t let him kick his ass the first time I brought him home.
You know we lost Chuckles a few months ago. I saw him for the last time in 2015. He wouldn’t let me come back, wouldn’t let Daddy see him. After 2011, losing Darrell like I did, then we lost Rick, when Barney got his diagnosis I prayed to God to stop taking my friends. He heard me because today Barney is better than ever.
I’m going to go see J and his wife maybe next month. I wanna see their new house and I wanna see them. You’d love Kathy. She’s the best daughter in law ever. No doubt Lue and Henry still think that of me. They can’t stand Shannon’s new wife, but that’s a whole other story. I’ve forgiven them both and am at peace now.
There are days, however, I need my mom. I need to have you wrap your arms around me and call me your baby girl. I miss you. I don’t miss our arguments. I only wanted you to respect me. That wasn’t too much to ask. Why was I always your go to when you felt the urge to be hateful? I understand that now because I live it. I get angry because of what this disease has robbed me of, so I understand your frustration. I don’t take it out on anyone. I know all too well from you and Shannon both what it feels like to be an emotional and physical punching bag.
I wish you were here to see how well I have coped and how happy I am now. I’d still demand the respect. I deserve respect and love. I know that now. I got some self esteem back. I no longer look down all the time. I can actually look at people and smile now.
Most of all, I love you mommy.